unknown person says:
- hi

Maria says:
- hi..do I know you?

unknown person says:
- no i dont no

Maria says:
- so you don’t know me either?

unknown person says:
- no

Maria says:
- where did you get my MSN address from?

unknown person says:
- i dont no

Maria says:
- is there something you do know?

unknown person says:
- no

I keep getting these strange MSN messages from even stranger people I don’t even know, let alone have on my contact’s list. Even though this one sounds like a bot, I know it’s not, lol, it’s actually a real human being… How, why and where do these people find my MSN address remains a mystery…

It’s hard to believe I am sad for leaving this:

in order to have this:

Yes, that’s my new dorm room, my all new dorm in a beautiful new location in a central part of the city. And this is a look out of my window:

Anyway, today I went out to buy a light bulb, and some fruits. To my big surprise, right here, near the city center, I can buy fancy shoes, fancy clothes, and a whole lot of fast food, but when it comes to a simple light bulb and fruits or any other “not-junky” food, I have to walk quite a while to find a small always crowded supermarket at best.

As for the overall look and feel, I can’t say I like it.. I do like the accommodation, it’s way better than in my old room, but I can’t help feeling alienated. I don’t know anyone here, people are not very friendly either, and for now, I am all alone, still waiting to see who my roommate is going to be. It feels good to be alone, although getting used to it is what really scares me at times…

Things are becoming complicated and my life is getting out of my hands once again. It might be for the best, but might as well be for the worst, I can’t know, but I do know that it’s going in an unknown direction and needless to say, I don’t feel comfortable about that. I am one of those people that like to plan things, and keep them under control at any time, and then make some more plans B, C, D… and making plans never stops because you can never predict everything and you can never take into consideration all of ‘what ifs’. I am constantly trying though, but the further I go, the most tangled it all becomes, and all I get out of it is I horrible headache and a feeling of not being able to do anything at all.

The truth is, I can’t keep everything that’s going on in my life under control. There are always other people and other events that directly or indirectly interweave with my decisions and so called ‘coincidences’ that happen to me.

In five days, I am going to be somewhere else, in some other dorm, some other room, with some different people around me, or I’ll be alone… I don’t even know what would, out of all this, really make me happy, or even if there is such a solution that could. The bottom line always comes to this: Honestly, really, and deep inside, I don’t really care what happens, but I just have to fight it, as it makes me feel alive… and kicking.

Oh, and I also got my first job offer in IT, which I, unfortunately, had to turn down, because I still study that crap I don’t even like. But, guess what?  Deep, deep inside, that doesn’t really matter either.

Time flies one way or the other, change might do me good, it might as well prove to be the most stupid thing I have ever done, but even worse, after all, it is up to me, I just can’t make a smart move without seeing the end of each path I can choose.

The only thing that makes me somewhat happy is that TV show Prison Break, and my weird dreams, as they help me escape for a little while. I like other realities, and I am obviously afraid of making decisions that might affect my future, not because of what other people might say, but because it would suck to reproach myself on daily basis. Decisions, decisions, decisions… I am tired of them. Oh, and speaking about Prison Break, I am wondering what would Michael Scofield, a man with the plan, do…

The days are shorter and it’s much colder than to what I’m used to. But it makes perfect sense, it’s the middle of November, if everything was the way it should be, we would have had snow by now.

A few days ago, in order to remain sane I had to make myself happy (no matter the price) and I felt an urge to finally make one of my everlasting dreams come true – I have found a perfect club and was trained to use firearms. By the time I got there I figured everybody else was there because their job required them to use weapons – they were all from security. Needless to say, I felt like I didn’t belong and actually was all alone. It wasn’t for the first time that I felt that way and certainly not for the last time though, and, to be completely honest, I kind of enjoyed it.

We had some law lectures and then some more lectures about how to aim, how to position our body and our hands, how to hold a gun and some more theory on ballistics. After that, they gave us guns and we got to load/unload, dissemble and put the weapon back together. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt as excited, although the reasons for that are still unknown to me… I’d call it the rush of adrenalin.

My friends think I am crazy for doing that and so do my parents. They can’t believe I am “throwing away” my money just like that on something that stupid. It takes a lot of courage and self confidence to do what I did without any kind of support from people you care about. Support? I am not sure if I know what that word means as I never got any. Anyway, I know I have neither courage nor self confidence, and so their reactions still make me rethink and reanalyze my actions which makes it impossible for me to really enjoy. There is always a part of me saying ‘What the hell are you doing with your life’.

Anyway, I went shooting today, again. I think I’m obsessed with it already, it’s like a drug: when I’m holding the gun in my hands I feel completely calmed and when I get back home I can’t stop thinking about the feeling of adrenalin and anticipation to do it again. It’s my remedy.
Anyway, this one wouldn’t make it out alive(click on the picture for the full size view)