I am wondering what happened with the good old times, with all the innocent dreams, silly enthusiasm and childhood purity, with all the realness of our own worlds. The time was back in the primary school, and there were four of us: My best girl friend (if I’ve ever had one, that was her). She was a poet and a dreamy person, with all the good and the bad things that go with it. There were these two guys – funny, charming, with crazy ideas, wild dreams and stubborn determinism to change this world… And there was me. If someone told me back then that it was the best that it can get I wouldn’t believe them. But it was.

I remember sunny days in the school yard, breezy afternoons, the smell of spring and taste of our moms’ sandwiches. I remember waiting on this girl to go to class together even though school was only ten minutes away (and sometimes I would end up waiting just as much), and then going back home together, all four of us, and talking outside of our homes for hours. I remember endless rehearsals we cursed (we were all into acting, one way or the other), and staying in the library after class was just tiring, but needless to say, now I know, those were the best moments in my life…I don’t remember anything else in that world but us, nothing else just didn’t seem to be as important.

It never was that way again. It all ended right there, after primary school. One of the guys left Serbia after being my best friend for eight years, girl choose a different high school and the other guy was my seatmate for four long years of my high school. But it was never the same. We didn’t even hang out anymore. Maybe we didn’t want to because there were three of us, maybe it just couldn’t happen, or maybe we grew older and began thinking about other, more important things. Another four years passed, the three of us are now in Belgrade, studying different things, I get to see the guy every now and then, I don’t remember the last time I heard from the girl, and that guy that left Serbia… well I just found him on facebook and exchanged a couple of emails. It’s weird, distant, nostalgic.

Strange are the ways of life…

I changed after he left, after it ended. I changed a lot. I’ve never had a friend, the way I had them, again. I don’t think I am capable of feeling as happy as I was back in primary school, with all four of us together. It’s like a chapter of my life abruptly ended and a totally new one began. The sun has set long ago in my world and the skies became gloomy. Now I can only hope it doesn’t rain all day.. Although, most of the times, it does.

I think I might be selfish… I don’t like nor understand the attitude I have towards some things and some people. And yet, even though I can’t explain why or find any reason at all for my behaviour I keep acting that way.

The thing is, I am afraid of losing people I care about as I know how hard it is to find the worthy ones. And seeing how, unlike many other people, I don’t make friends all the easily, I like to keep the ones I have by me at all times. The problem arises when I am not able to do just that, and it happens more often every day. We all have our own paths to follow and they often lead us in all the different directions and as the time goes by, you lose track of who went where. It gets harder to keep in touch and eventually, one way or the other, without even noticing, you lose it completely. By that time, you have already replaced your old friend you used to hang out with, with the new one and you don’t even think about your old friend anymore.

I guess I like to remember things when they were still good and so when our paths are parting I don’t even try to keep in touch at all. If the other side doesn’t make much (or any) effort either it’s even easier to do so. When there is no contact, it’s easier to let go and forget, and you know you’re bound to let go…

I feel that’s wrong and immature, and I wish I could change that about me, I wish I could be less selfish and make peace with people choosing their own life path whether or not it’s a part of mine. I shouldn’t feel sad about it, I shouldn’t give up on those people, I shouldn’t feel disappointed, or mad at all. But I am all that and I can’t seem to do anything about it.

it happened a couple of times to me now, and I still have a chance to fix it, but I just can’t make myself do it, I feel too guilty for acting this way… After all, it seems like it is not easier to just let go because you can’t erase your memories.

I can’t seem to remember my dreams anymore. I wake up and it’s just as empty as it was before I went to bed. (empty here has both, literal and figurative meaning.) There are just walls everywhere, outside and inside my head, always setting some boundaries and I feel like they keep closing in on me.

My days have been pretty busy lately, I almost can’t make a difference between mornings and nights, it’s hard to see when one day ends and another one begins… I think I like it better that way. I also like it when I don’t have to plan my whole day and when I can just let things happen. Breaking out of the routine feels nice.

I can’t see myself doing the same thing over and over again, at the exact same time and the exact same day. I don’t like to be aware of the time, the whole concept just frightens me.

Moreover, I realized that going to bed and knowing exactly how I’ll spend tomorrow gets me depressed. I need variety and randomness in life. A lots of it… And it just doesn’t work that way, it never will. I just hope I learn to deal with it!

I feel completely useless. Like nothing I have ever done is worth anything. I never get recognition, nor do I get any motivation from people that should care, and let’s be honest, without these two things one can never feel completely happy about anything that they do.

It’s not that I care about other people’s opinions, but it feels nice when you get recognition, in ANY way, when someone can keep you going and make you feel good about yourself and things you like to be doing – only then are things starting to make sense. I don’t blame my friends though, they just don’t happen to understand things that I find important, they respect everything I do, but I can’t get very excited about anything when there is no one to really share the excitement with.

I wish I was more like other people. I wish I would let someone really know me. I wish I wasn’t afraid to show I’m weak.

I feel empty.