And so I was wondering… Imagine waking up one day somewhere new without knowing who you are. Wouldn’t that be the most amazing and real escape ever? Forget about everything and everyone and start anew, while trying to remember. And the most important thing that seems to really bother me: What would I think about myself and my life while discovering everything about it once again, as a complete outsider? Maybe it would help me realize what I really wanted to do with my life. Maybe, and more probably, it’s stupid to even think about it…

On another note, if it wasn’t for 24 and irish dancing, I’d probably go crazy. That’s it for now… I should start blogging again!

I believe there are more personalities, more identities in each and every one of us. We may not even be aware of their existence, subconsciously hiding them. I believe we all experienced a need to escape, not from the others, but from ourselves. That’s why we love movies, books, and now more than ever, internet friends. Some find that satisfying enough, but what if we go beyond that and create different identities in real life? But not the way psycho people do it, without acknowledging the presence of their alter egos, but being fully aware of all the different people we can be. What if we realize we can make people believe a lot of the things we want them to believe and take advantage of that?

Just like con artists do it. Like Frank Abagnale did it. I read Catch Me If You Can, a story about his life and things he did, starting when he was only 16 years old, and it’s stunning. How he managed to foul play all these different people and with ease do the things one wouldn’t even dream of. I always had a special kind of sympathy for con artists, and their witty minds and superb ideas. It’s thrilling, exciting and extraordinary how some people can risk so much…

And then I’m wondering if I would ever be able to risk like that. Even though I keep saying I have nothing to lose, risking everything (even if it’s just your habits and way of life) is still hard. I guess one of the main reasons for that is the constant fear of failure, and we all want to be successful. Risk usually comes as a last resort, when there is no other way out.

I guess it takes a brave one…

*POOF!*

..and I’m out. I no longer see words, only images, crystal clear images in my mind and a completely new world, I can touch, smell, feel… I am not aware of what’s going on around me, It’s like I get disconnected from the real world. I see everything, every little detail, I picture every single thing.  And it’s so scarily real I can hardly get out even when I stop reading. It happens more often than that. I don’t necessarily need to read at all. I create all these worlds inside my mind, and they’re just as real, sometimes it’s hard to make a difference between my reality and everyone else’s. It takes only five seconds of silence and…

*POOF!*

..I’m gone, and if no one distracts me I can be gone for hours. I guess that’s one of the reasons why I like to travel. I sometimes get on the bus, and just go around and around the city, or I just walk, completely lost in my own thoughts and my own worlds. I can never be bored when left alone, pictures in my mind are so vivid, that they’re not even pictures they look more like distant memories of something that really happened. The same thing happens when I’m talking with someone…

*POOF!*

…and all their problems, experiences, adventures, instantly become mine. I can relate to everything being said and I can feel the empathy like no one else. It makes me think of all the different lives I lived and all these things I’ve been through, even though it wasn’t really me but a book character or one of my friends. Their experiences make me look wise because I manage to take them over, and make them mine. My dreams are like that too…

*POOF!*

..and I start wondering if something really happened at all or I just had a dream about it or was the certain thought born in one of my day dreaming fantasies. Did I really say something to someone, or did I just intend to, or pretend to? Did something happen in real life or was it just a bunch of pictures played inside my mind only?  There is no clear distinction. I can also replay something that really happened inside my head over and over again to every tiny little detail, I can as well change some details if I really want to, overwrite my memory  - I am an observer that doesn’t miss a thing…

*POOF!*

..and I’m still wondering, If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person..?

There was a young man in the park, running toward the street yelling: “come on boy, hurry up” and right behind him ran his dog, biting an empty plastic bottle, playing around with it, like nothing was wrong with the weather. I was wondering how he felt, but he seemed to have a lot of fun. There were these two girls, that looked quiet spooky, with long black dresses, and they were not running- they just stood there, enjoying the rain, splashing through the puddles, looking weird, even to me, just because they didn’t do the same thing the rest of the world would have done.

It seems I like to observe the thunderstorm from the safety of my home, through the window only. It makes me feel safe like nothing else ever does. Having it happen to me never feels the same way though. I guess I just like to feel safe…

If everyone around me is happy it will remind me just how sad and lonely I am. I happen to think a lot of people are more satisfied with their lives than I have ever been. And, truth to be told, if I didn’t know what all there is to it I would never feel bad about mine. There are so many interesting lives out there, so many different stories I would like to be a part of, even just for a little while. I just need to get away from everything. And that feeling is growing stronger everyday for the past couple of years, that I am afraid I will actually do something “stupid” in order to set myself free from these boundaries.

I know we ought to accept the things we cannot change and we shall have courage to change the ones we can, but what if the difference between the two is too tiny to make a clear judgment? Or what if you know something can be changed but you just can’t risk doing anything about it or you don’t know how or where to start?

My depression never had an obvious reason, it’s just a dark feeling of everything crashing and falling apart, that seems to come and go just like that.

It’s sad to think that, at one point in time, all this I’m going through right now will stay in the past, including the story and all its characters. In the end, there will be so many chapters that it will be hard to sum them up into something meaningful. Or is there a bigger picture at all?

Someone once told me I am not supposed to mix social circles. And really, who wants to see the same old characters in a new, completely different story, interfering with all the new characters, right? Those chapters are meant to stay separated, cause each had its own conclusion.

I don’t like the endings, conclusions always make me sad, and some chapters are too short to enjoy them especially when you know that they will certainly end, it’s a just a matter of time. Sometimes I feel like bringing the old chapters back. Sometimes I feel like making a new story with the old characters. Sometimes I just feel a need to connect everything and make it more meaningful that way, even though I know it can never work out. I still try, sometimes, but life stays nothing more than a sum of all the different pieces…

I remember sunny days in the school yard, breezy afternoons, the smell of spring and taste of our moms’ sandwiches. I remember waiting on this girl to go to class together even though school was only ten minutes away (and sometimes I would end up waiting just as much), and then going back home together, all four of us, and talking outside of our homes for hours. I remember endless rehearsals we cursed (we were all into acting, one way or the other), and staying in the library after class was just tiring, but needless to say, now I know, those were the best moments in my life…I don’t remember anything else in that world but us, nothing else just didn’t seem to be as important.

It never was that way again. It all ended right there, after primary school. One of the guys left Serbia after being my best friend for eight years, girl choose a different high school and the other guy was my seatmate for four long years of my high school. But it was never the same. We didn’t even hang out anymore. Maybe we didn’t want to because there were three of us, maybe it just couldn’t happen, or maybe we grew older and began thinking about other, more important things. Another four years passed, the three of us are now in Belgrade, studying different things, I get to see the guy every now and then, I don’t remember the last time I heard from the girl, and that guy that left Serbia… well I just found him on facebook and exchanged a couple of emails. It’s weird, distant, nostalgic.

Strange are the ways of life…

I changed after he left, after it ended. I changed a lot. I’ve never had a friend, the way I had them, again. I don’t think I am capable of feeling as happy as I was back in primary school, with all four of us together. It’s like a chapter of my life abruptly ended and a totally new one began. The sun has set long ago in my world and the skies became gloomy. Now I can only hope it doesn’t rain all day.. Although, most of the times, it does.

The thing is, I am afraid of losing people I care about as I know how hard it is to find the worthy ones. And seeing how, unlike many other people, I don’t make friends all the easily, I like to keep the ones I have by me at all times. The problem arises when I am not able to do just that, and it happens more often every day. We all have our own paths to follow and they often lead us in all the different directions and as the time goes by, you lose track of who went where. It gets harder to keep in touch and eventually, one way or the other, without even noticing, you lose it completely. By that time, you have already replaced your old friend you used to hang out with, with the new one and you don’t even think about your old friend anymore.

I guess I like to remember things when they were still good and so when our paths are parting I don’t even try to keep in touch at all. If the other side doesn’t make much (or any) effort either it’s even easier to do so. When there is no contact, it’s easier to let go and forget, and you know you’re bound to let go…

I feel that’s wrong and immature, and I wish I could change that about me, I wish I could be less selfish and make peace with people choosing their own life path whether or not it’s a part of mine. I shouldn’t feel sad about it, I shouldn’t give up on those people, I shouldn’t feel disappointed, or mad at all. But I am all that and I can’t seem to do anything about it.

it happened a couple of times to me now, and I still have a chance to fix it, but I just can’t make myself do it, I feel too guilty for acting this way… After all, it seems like it is not easier to just let go because you can’t erase your memories.

My days have been pretty busy lately, I almost can’t make a difference between mornings and nights, it’s hard to see when one day ends and another one begins… I think I like it better that way. I also like it when I don’t have to plan my whole day and when I can just let things happen. Breaking out of the routine feels nice.

I can’t see myself doing the same thing over and over again, at the exact same time and the exact same day. I don’t like to be aware of the time, the whole concept just frightens me.

Moreover, I realized that going to bed and knowing exactly how I’ll spend tomorrow gets me depressed. I need variety and randomness in life. A lots of it… And it just doesn’t work that way, it never will. I just hope I learn to deal with it!

I don’t feel like taking my little baby to a teach, I’ll try fixing it myself.. or at least I shall figure out what the problem is, I am positive I can do that, or at least try. It’s keeping me busy too, which is nice. Not like I am doing anything productive though…

I still somehow hope it’s all Microsoft’s fault (yeah, always blame it on someone else, in this case - VISTA).

Period!

Oh and check out this website for more of these hilarious error messages, or make one yourself