I can’t seem to remember my dreams anymore. I wake up and it’s just as empty as it was before I went to bed. (empty here has both, literal and figurative meaning.) There are just walls everywhere, outside and inside my head, always setting some boundaries and I feel like they keep closing in on me.

My days have been pretty busy lately, I almost can’t make a difference between mornings and nights, it’s hard to see when one day ends and another one begins… I think I like it better that way. I also like it when I don’t have to plan my whole day and when I can just let things happen. Breaking out of the routine feels nice.

I can’t see myself doing the same thing over and over again, at the exact same time and the exact same day. I don’t like to be aware of the time, the whole concept just frightens me.

Moreover, I realized that going to bed and knowing exactly how I’ll spend tomorrow gets me depressed. I need variety and randomness in life. A lots of it… And it just doesn’t work that way, it never will. I just hope I learn to deal with it!

Lately, my laptop has been acting really weird, and yet I couldn’t (still can’t) figure out what’s wrong with it! I even reformatted the whole system and spent two good days trying to make everything back to normal. Yes, it took me one whole day just to install Adobe Master Collection CS3… I still have the same problem I had before reinstall which makes me think it might be a hardware failure. I am worried. Whenever I want to restart it, while booting back on, just before the logon screen it goes black and turns off. Then I turn it on and everything is normal. It runs just fine when it’s turned on too… I am confused.

I don’t feel like taking my little baby to a teach, I’ll try fixing it myself.. or at least I shall figure out what the problem is, I am positive I can do that, or at least try. It’s keeping me busy too, which is nice. Not like I am doing anything productive though…

I still somehow hope it’s all Microsoft’s fault (yeah, always blame it on someone else, in this case – VISTA).

Period!

Oh and check out this website for more of these hilarious error messages, or make one yourself

I feel completely useless. Like nothing I have ever done is worth anything. I never get recognition, nor do I get any motivation from people that should care, and let’s be honest, without these two things one can never feel completely happy about anything that they do.

It’s not that I care about other people’s opinions, but it feels nice when you get recognition, in ANY way, when someone can keep you going and make you feel good about yourself and things you like to be doing – only then are things starting to make sense. I don’t blame my friends though, they just don’t happen to understand things that I find important, they respect everything I do, but I can’t get very excited about anything when there is no one to really share the excitement with.

I wish I was more like other people. I wish I would let someone really know me. I wish I wasn’t afraid to show I’m weak.

I feel empty.

Eating alone in a public place all the time feels quite weird actually. But I think I’m really getting used to it and even starting to enjoy it. I am paying even more attention to the other people around me, and, subconsciously, I’m trying to come up with some sort of psychological profile by reading their body language, their facial expressions and their altogether appearance. It helps me better understand people, and figure out all the hidden motives – what’s really behind their words and actions. It’s interesting, challenging and very entertaining.

My dorm room window has a beautiful view of the park, and I have that strange habit to often stare out of my window and observe all the old people feeding pigeons, dogs, couples, even homeless people late at night… I try to figure out their life stories, relationships between them, where did they come from and where they are going after their walk through the park. I think I could put all these unrelated stories from my dorm in a book and I bet they would make an interesting read.

I remember I used to observe like this back in my home town too, but it was rarely ever crowded like here in Belgrade. It seems like no matter where I go here there will be something to observe… Good for me, I guess that means being alone will never get boring.