—some ten years ago—

-Hello, I’d like this book, please.

The lady that worked in the library back then, was a weird looking old lady. I remember there was something scary about her, she wore glasses that were always on the tip of her nose, and so it seemed she never actually looked through them. Her hands looked old, too old for her years, she was too skinny, all wrinkled and so her head looked huge comparing to the rest of her body, just like a head of a pin.

-Are you sure you want this one? – she gazed at me above her glasses and then muttered – It may not be appropriate…
-Excuse me? Why not? – I was quite scared of her, I remember trying to avoid her shift whenever that was possible
-That is a book for boys. Why don’t you ever take one for girls? We have some nice girly books here.

I remember taking the book out of her hands and storming out without the word. I’ll never forget that feeling, it made quite an impression on me. I wish I was able to tell her a few words back then, like I would now, but I was just a kid. I find it insanely hilarious now though, both her words and my reaction.

However, I never stopped reading ‘books for boys‘. I loved reading books about knights especially – King Arthur, Three Musketeers, The Count of Monte Cristo… they looked awesome in my imagination. I enjoyed sword fights, good versus evil stories, but more than everything I enjoyed that way of life, that time, those values, the atmosphere… everything!
Now when I see a movie placed in that time I feel like I lived through it once, a long time ago, and there is this weird feeling of nostalgia coming over me. Like I want to go back to the good old times. I find myself adoring medieval sounds, especially Celtic/Irish folk music as it puts me back in those lovely castles with brave knights and shy ladies in long dresses.

There is something brave, something honest, something romantic, something honorable about that time, I can’t really put into words. I hope I never go back in time though, as I don’t want to find out what it was really like back then, I’ll just stick with the impression I got as a child, the same one that’s still branded in my mind. I still think (or I just want to think?) there were some real ethics and moral values in society back then, and I am certain to say there are none left today…

First of all, let me introduce you to my new layout! It’s called My Case Files, and those of you dying to know more about how/why I made it, go read my website info, it’s all there.

So I was wondering if there was a way to escape the past and completely leave it all behind and get over it once and for all. Unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, and no matter how hard you want to believe you did it, it will come back in one form or another, hunt you down, and then break you to pieces! Erasing memory sounds like a good thing, but then we wouldn’t be just mere mortals, would we?

Anyways… That was just a thought.

unknown person says:
- hi

Maria says:
- hi..do I know you?

unknown person says:
- no i dont no

Maria says:
- so you don’t know me either?

unknown person says:
- no

Maria says:
- where did you get my MSN address from?

unknown person says:
- i dont no

Maria says:
- is there something you do know?

unknown person says:
- no

I keep getting these strange MSN messages from even stranger people I don’t even know, let alone have on my contact’s list. Even though this one sounds like a bot, I know it’s not, lol, it’s actually a real human being… How, why and where do these people find my MSN address remains a mystery…

I am working on a new website layout.  The fact that a lot of people who know me in real life come across this little web corner of mine really freaks me out. Yes, it is easier to share your very personal and dark thoughts with complete strangers that get lost, than with somebody you know for real. That’s just human nature, and it’s normal, we always share our thoughts with whoever is listening and it’s the best when that someone doesn’t even know you – it makes it easier and a lot more comfortable. You don’t get to think about what will, a certain someone you call your friend, think about you afterward. Either way, we all use our different identities, and we choose them wisely, depending on the occasion.

Listening seems to be the hardest part for the majority of people. I won’t even go that far as understanding another human being, or feeling empathy at least. When people manage to put themselves into somebody else’s shoes they can only feel jealousy, it’s always because somebody else is/have something you’re not/don’t have. How sad is that?

I’ve been very busy lately, I like it when it’s busy though, when you have no time to just think, to stop and stare at what you have done or what you are about to do. It’s interesting to be on the move, to be surrounded by different people, to do different things, go to different places… anything! It’s just much more fun when you don’t think about big future plans, and when you  live day by day and go wherever life wants you to go – gently down the stream.

Anyway, I’m home, with my family, it’s 6 pm at the moment, and I was just thinking how there is no good reason to make a big deal out of New Year’s eve. Actually, there is one good thing about holidays in general:  You get to spend a lot of money on a whole bunch of unncessary crap and not feel very gulty about it… But I am not into shopping so I was just wondering… What’s in it for me?